Consensual Non-Monogamy

Humans are mammals. Complex, yes, but mammals.

Most humans feel a need (a desire?) to establish romantic partnerships. (There are exceptions).

Also, most humans have sexual drive (here too exceptions exist).

In most cases, people on a romantic partnership have mutual sexual desire; they love each other and want to have sex with each other.

In many cases, though, people have (sometimes, or many times or all the time) a desire to have sex with other people, outside of the relationship.

People can try to ignore it or pretend they don’t have that urge. Or they can pretend they don’t engage in sex with others while doing it, lying to their partners. That’s called cheating.

It doesn’t have to be that way, though. It shouldn’t have to.

Consensual non-monogamy (CN-M for short), also known as Ethical Non-Monogamy, is an umbrella term for different types of relationships where there is explicit consent for intimate activities with people outside of the relationship.

In some cases that openness may include additional romantic partnerships (like polyamory), sexual and intimate interactions but not romantic ones (like open relationships) or other forms of pre-defined, mutually respectful agreements between the partners. Whatever it is, it has to come from explicit mutual agreement.

Curiously enough, this does not necessarily mean people in CN-M relationships are having one-night stands every weekend! That’s a possibility, yes, but there’s also CN-M relationships where years may pass without any outside activity. The possibility of having external interactions is more important than actually having them.

I arrived very late to CN-M, sadly.

In my case, and after trying to understand what I feel about this, I came to the following conclusions:

• I feel romantically and sexually attracted to my partner - very much so!

• I don’t seem to have space to feel romantically attracted to others

• Sexual attraction for others (not just my partner) has existed in me and will probably exist again in the future

• If that attraction is also felt by the external person and the two of us decide to act upon it, my partner will be fully informed (ideally beforehand, if possible)

• All the rights and duties that I have and want for myself naturally apply to my partner too. It’s a 2-way street.

You’re thinking jealousy right now, aren’t you? Insecurity as well, probably.

These topics usually exist in most relationships - including CN-M ones. On a CN-M relationship they are not swept under the rug. They are talked about and faced.

Relationships rarely last forever, and most eventually end. Still, if two people are lucky enough to find each other and choose to have a CN-M relationship, then their time together will probably be longer and more fruitful.

If everything is talked about, openly, there’s no room for suspicion, doubt (including self-doubt), fear or uncertainty - nor jealousy.

External engagements (even if purely sexual) can put the romantic relationship in danger. What if I fall in love for the external person I’m going to have sex with? or conversely What if my partner falls in love with the person they are having sex with? may come to mind.

In some cases, the external factor can break up the romantic relationship, yes. If that happens, maybe the relationship wasn’t as strong as the partners though - and maybe there were other negative factors too, making a dent.

Yet, I think it’s far less likely for a CN-M relationship to end, in these situations, because it’s not a “forbidden fruit” scenario. It’s just an urge, a desire, that is addressed, and then you move forward with your life (and your relationship).

Communication and transparency - you’ve guessed it already - are the ground on which the CN-M relationship stands. It is a super solid foundation upon which to build romance.

With these strong pillars, fulfilling an urge (like scratching an itch) will feel good but won’t make you question your relationship. In a non-polyamory, open relationship like I prefer, you’re simply adding sex with others, and sex is great but it’s just a small part of what relationships can be.

Now consider a monogamous romantic relationship, where there’s no room for sex outside the couple. It may include:

• lies

• lack of transparency

• repressed urges

• suspicion

• jealousy

• insecurity

• illicit affairs

• distrust

• resentment

• finger pointing

That’s not ideal, is it?

A CN-M relationship may not necessarily be ideal for you. It works for those who feel it reflects the way they are. You should not try to force yourself into a CN-M relationship if that’s not your cup of tea.

What you could do - my suggestion - is to try to have your current relationship (and/or future ones) based on transparency and communication. Those two ingredients build respect, and even if you still decide to keep it monogamous, you’ll have a much better relationship!

Here are some resources if you want to know more about Consensual Non-Monogamy:

• a two-page PDF that explains it all really well

• a great online resource

• different reasons why people are drawn to CN-M

I haven’t implemented a commenting system yet (I’m still trying to see if there’s one that is privacy-conscious and free - both as in libre as well as in gratis) but if you’d like to comment or ask me any questions about this topic feel free to reach me via email on pedro.homero at gmail dot com (or via social media if we happen to be connected in any of them).

Thanks for reading!